I’ve sat down,
paper on lap,
pen at the ready,
but at times,
I find the words are easy to materialise,
and other times,
I fear it’s just too sad to share.
But it is a part of the word that I live in.
The mean tiredness monster comes and snaps at your heels,
and you can’t run away,
they found your secret hiding spots,
and it’s just the way it’s going to be for a while.
It joins up with it’s friend depression,
their mate anxiety,
and a new colleague, lack-of-confidence.
Sometimes I just get so tired of pretending that I am fine.
And I worry that I will push away my loves and dears,
for fear that I’m just to black and bland,
particularly in their world of light and bright.
But you know what? It’s me.
It’s the little monster I have to conquer and slay.
And I hope you’ll come along for the ride.
So here’s to a change.
Here’s to new beginnings.
Here’s to getting the ‘ole me back.
My year. My terms. My happiness.
I’m going to kick your butt CFS monster,
have fun going back into that grey and black hole you came out of.
And if I haven’t seen you in some time.
Let’s get together and smile some more too,
'cause I miss you all plenty,
I just can’t run around like I used to x
This year will be different.
A year of change is now here:
new experiences, challenges and everlasting memories.
I am going to smash and kick this chronic fatigue monster in the butt.
I am going to smash this PhD into the sky.
I am going to get back on track.
Life is about happiness and love.
Get out there,
do that thing you’ve been dreaming about.
Say sorry to the ones you’ve been bitter with,
turn a new leaf and live life.
One of the greatest lessons I learned last year,
is how fleeting our time is here.
You think you have all time in the world,
and then you’re quietly yet sharply shown that it’s not the case.
Not for all of us.
How lucky are we,
that we are still here in the midst of all this chaos and challenge.
Enjoy, love deeply and never look back.
Love all, especially those you hate.
Do what you love,
forget about the dollars in your pocket
and how green the grass is on the other side of the fence.
but we truly only have now,
remember that everyday.
Wishes for you all this year and always:
love, humility, friendship and inner peace.
Don’t wait for the stop sign to be placed right in front of your eyes for you to get to where you dream to be.
Make yourself stop before you even get there.
I had it placed in front of my eyes,
right on my nose,
before I even realised it.
I could have done it myself.
Saved myself from grief and hardship.
But at least I am learning.
Better late than never.
Dreams and wishes for you all, this new year.
To a blissful year, love from me,
do not ever forget how lucky we all are x
some time has lapsed between chats.
it’s all due to being happily immersed in a week of nerdage.
One thing I am blessed of,
is that even when I feel exhaustion in all my being,
if there is a unique opportunity to nerd it up,
I harden up and get it done.
(The payback is definitely worth it,
and there is ALWAYS payback).
So, another year, another ASL Congress.
(Australian Society for Limnology, for you non-science nerds).
It was just what I needed.
It’s so refreshing,
and this happens every year,
to happily have a chat with someone else,
about your favourite macroinvertebrate or other nerd interest,
why you love it,
what is so awesome about it,
and the other person on the other end,
nods, smiles, and agrees.
how you could think this little creature or thing is so fantastic,
and why it holds a special part of your heart.
It’s an academic family,
where everyone respects everyone else,
where the God’s of Limnology will talk to you over a beer,
and you can’t fathom how it even happened.
This person you hold in the highest of esteem,
it talking to you,
a little science minion at the beginning of their career,
and they are listening to every word you say.
This happens to me every year.
And I love it!
it was Bruce Chessman.
(I nerd out something fierce when I talk to Bruce Chessman,
he is one of the pioneers of bug research and water science).
he talked to me this year.
THE Bruce Chessman,
recipient of the ASL Hilary Jolly Award.
I mean, Bruce Chessman!
HE talked to me,
about EVEN potentially collaborating!
*insert several expletives*
You cannot understand how excited I am!
And then there are all the chats about keeping at it,
the pats on shoulders,
the supportive words,
the kudos for how far I’ve come so far,
and to keep going,
even in these adverse circumstances.
Thanks Bec, thanks Ross, thanks Evan.
Looks like I’ll be moving to a new academic home next year.
But I guess the point of all of this,
it’s is a huge kudos,
mainly to my fellow limno kids,
To Murdoch, Monash, Canberra, NSW, WA and others.
Gosh you kids rock!
Thanks for telling me to sit down when I looked tired.
Making sure I looked after myself when I nerded out too much.
Giving me pats on the back,
and being inspirational yourselves.
A big reason for coming back every year,
is thanks to you all!
So thank you thank you thank you!
To end a rant,
as this is not-so-eloquent as compared to other texts and posts,
I guess this is a long winded thank you.
Thanks ASL kids.
Thank you for bringing back a smile,
and some energy, in the midst of an incredibly difficult year
to someone who really really needed it.
Love you all, Initiis x
All the power we need to possess for change lies within,
something that right now,
I need to remember with every moment.
how in a selfish but honest moment,
you find that energy that you have been dreaming for.
That same energy that disapated those two or so years ago.
(Sure, I’m not running around like the old days,
but I feel a little fresher!).
It’s thanks to you all,
my loved ones.
I feel like I have this new spirit within,
that lonely feeling fades with every new breath,
and I’m going to get better.
And I’ll keep you in touch.
With the good days.
And the bad days.
Especially now that I know that I have you all,
even when you are going through your own personal battles and wars.
I have the best motivation of all.
Something that people strive for their entire lives.
Unconditional love from you all.
A sincere thanks for all your words.
I love you all.
And your love for me means more than you could ever know x
Perhaps this is new to some of you,
and for some of you, not at all.
But I live every day tired.
I live each day feeling like I spent all my energy last week.
I have chronic fatigue.
And after two and a half years,
I have only admitted it to myself now.
Today is an initiis.
I have learnt something new.
That sometimes, you need to take a big breath of air and stop.
But I don’t know how to start.
I need all your help.
I am asking for your help.
It is so incredibly challenging when no one believes that what you feel is real,
when no one can see what you feel,
or know just how lucky they are to be able to do what they do every day,
do the things they complain about,
like exercising, going grocery shopping and a long walk on the beach.
I would love to be able to complain about doing those things,
because I want to do them. I really want to.
If I catch the bus to the city,
I dream for someone sitting to offer me a sit,
But with make-up,
and a youthful face,
of course I must be fine.
But actually, I’m exhausted.
(Thank you to those kind individuals who offered me seats in the past,
not knowing how damn appreciative I was and am).
It’s been a month since I’ve been homebound.
A whole month.
I haven’t even sat at my desk at work,
which I hated to be at,
yet I miss so much.
Have lunch with my closest friends,
or just do what I want to do without thinking,
'Am I going to get though it?' -
'Will I get payback for doing this?' -
'How long will it take me to recover?'.
I even have to be careful around my doctors.
Because they don’t seem to understand how it could be going on,
for so long.
But they forget that I don’t know either…
And at least they don’t have to live with it everyday.
I want it to go away so bad.
So so bad.
So this is a call out,
to my loved ones.
I am okay, but I’m struggling.
I have my strong Viking* by my side,
and without him,
I don’t know where I’d be.
But I need you all too.
I need to know that you are all there for me,
I just can’t do this on my own.
Can we hang out together soon please?
In a way I won’t get exhausted.
I miss it.
I’m learning a fair amount with this lesson,
I know there is a reason why I am going through this.
But damn is it tough sometimes.
Mornings in Mosman #firestation #buildings #Sydney #Mosman #sunrise (at Mosman)
Thinking of you little man x
What started as a casual, we’d love to help, turned into the most incredible week of my life.
The senses were tilted, slapped and smacked with the amazing tastes of Southside Tea Room with their splendourous Rosewater Hot Chocolate. Not to mention the dazzling personalities, smiles and hugs of Patience, Doominique, Handsome Dan and Jhon- what better company could be had. Add Peanutbutter Hot Chocolate, delicious lemonades, Redskin cookies, and all your crafting snacks were taken care of.
Add a piece of sparkle, glitter and light, to leave crafted from head to toe, with glitter, craft glue and many pages and wares created, thanks to Frankie Magazine, their ever so popular Gift Paper Book, and many other crafty provisions.
Crafters were delighted with the skills and inspiring words of Ben Lee, Alpine, Lisa Mitchell and many more. Ben Lee led crafters on a journey of their inner festival spirit, writing postcards to their non-Splendour self, reminding them of their inner desires, personalities and fun that was divulged and devoured every day during festival. I keep my Splendour Spirit alive everyday, with my Viking, keeping it Splendour (see GypsyandViking, coming soon).
Patience, from The Grates, was all sweets and spice, just like her lovely Southside Tea Room, rocking it out with her Rock/Pop Coat Hangers. A bit of bling and your favourite rock God, and your clothes are popped, head-banging and awesome. Not to mention her rocking dance moves, only seen by the select few, led by the Viking aka Bubble Guns himself!
ALPINE then treated crafters with pick-charm-bracelets, and were all kinds of fun, later jumping in and having a blast with the props and energy provided by In An Instant.
Fantastic-ness from Phoebe, Phil and Lou from Melbourne’s ALPINE (Photo: In An Instant Photography).
Lisa Mitchell dazzled and inspired crafters with her sweet, soft nature, like a true older sister, walking around and sharing her beauty and skill with all that were blessed to receive it. She was so humble and kind, and it was a pleasure to meet her.
And finally, the brilliance of Jess and her In An Instant Photography.
Lovely Lisa Mitchell with the beautiful Jess
(Photo: In An Instant Photography)
What a pleasure and delight to have worked with you this Splendour! Peeling back happiness after every shot, and seeing eyes light up, cackles, snorts and many others, what blessings. You are a talented, spirited and wonderful woman, who I am so proud to call friend. Thank you for the most amazing time and most of all, your kindness and love.
Always, Initiis and Gypsy x
Ferry, flying saucers and Balmoral #Manly #Ferry #Sydney #Harbour #dusk #sunset (at MV Narrabeen)